Today is July 20, 2015 and my brother died yesterday. After a long bout with oral cancer, he succumbed to related complications very early yesterday morning.
There was a time that he was my best friend but towards the end we found ourselves at odds. I still considered him one of my best friends but the fact remained... we were at odds. I didn't see or speak to my brother for about the last 9 months before he died yesterday. It seems ridiculous to think that we could have had a fight so bad that this happened. After all, brothers fight from time to time. It's certain that we had had bigger fights in the past than this but this one put a wedge between us that couldn't be removed in time. I tried to reach out to him through email and text messages but none were ever returned. I live halfway across the country so just showing up on his doorstep was an option I never exercised. Perhaps I should have. I suppose in a situation like this there will be many opportunities to reflect on "should've could've & would've" but they won't change the fact that he is gone now and there will be no more opportunities for us to be brothers again.
My brother was my idol growing up. My dad left when I was too young to even recall, so I looked to him not just as my big brother but as a role model. He taught me many great things. He taught me about "good" music and style and cooking and having some class. He had a sense of humor that was and will always be like no one I have ever met. He was also one of the most generous people I've ever known. He gave freely of what he had and never asked for anything in return. In fact, many times I would try to pay something back to him because I felt I should and he would have nothing to do with it. It's just how he was and I admired that. I loved him with all my heart. I'm sad today but I am also relieved for him too. It was a long ugly journey at the end and I can't even pretend to know what he went through. And for that I am relieved that he isn't in pain any longer.
I am an alcoholic. If you're not an alcoholic, let me clarify what that means. When I say "I am" it is because I will always be. I haven't wanted or had a drink in 3 1/2 years but that doesn't mean that I'm not alcoholic. I will always be. I drank very heavily daily until 2006. My life became unbearable from the physical torture I had put my body through, the emotional chaos of the guilt of addiction and the anger and hatred I carried around as resentments towards all the people I felt made me the way I was. I blamed anything I could until one day I knew I wasn't being honest about it and decided it was time to place the blame where it belonged. I drank because I didn't know how not to. I was 36 years old and I had been drinking problematically since I was 15 years old. I had to learn how to become an adult at age 36. I tried and failed and tried again and failed again for many years until I received what I call "the gift". The desire to drink alcohol left me one day. It just did. I can see how people are religious because this miracle would be so easy to pin on a god that I can understand but this is something that I'm not capable of understanding. It's just something that I need to be in awe of and show complete reverence & gratitude towards. I will never forget how hopeless and sad my life was and I will never take for granted how utterly awesome my life is now. I am supremely blessed. I not only had the burden of addiction lifted off me but along the way met an amazing, strong, beautiful and supportive woman who I am so lucky to be married to. She is my angel and my rock.
My brother and I were best friends and drinking buddies in the last years of my drinking. I had relocated to Encinitas, CA where he lived he, his wife and my niece were gracious enough to offer me a place to live. I am and will always be grateful to them. The truth be told, I was headed in such a direction that without their help, I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own. Such is the pattern of alcoholism. In the 2 years we lived together we drank together. We drank very very heavily together. I remember we no longer called the liquor by it's name, we just called it medicine.... "Hey...you gonna stop by store and pick up some medicine or should I?". After some time it became clear this arrangement wasn't working for any of us so I moved out. I continued the pattern on my own for some time but it became clear that not only was this not working anymore but if it continued I would certainly die soon. With a few keystrokes of a phone one night I called (who else) my mom and said that I needed help. I was in a bad spot and feared for my life. Treatment, meetings, white knuckles, anger, resentment, shame, more shame, hurting everyone that loved me, fights, relapses, getting better only to get even worse, crying, overflowing joy, love, hate, loneliness.....on and on the emotions of the years of working out the details of my addiction went until finally... consciousness...sweet sweet lovely consciousness.
I wanted everyone close to me that still fought with alcoholism to come here with me. I wanted it so so bad for them. The thing with that though is you can't make it happen. In the luckiest circumstance you can possibly make someone take notice of how your life has changed and maybe they'll want to try too....maybe even ask you for help if you're lucky. But in most cases they don't and will most likely just view you as an outsider who should definitely be avoided. That's simply the sad reality.
Some will say that my brother's oral cancer was brought on by alcohol abuse as studies have shown they're related. Some will say there's no way to know what caused it. I will say it doesn't fucking matter. It happened and he's gone now. I tried to help him stop drinking because I loved him. I knew he struggled with it like I did. I wanted him to feel the freedom I felt. I know how it feels to have that hopeless shameful pit in your soul. To want so badly to stop doing something you know has nothing but negative consequences on your life and just simply not be able to get it done. How can something so easy as "don't do that" be so damn hard?? How can others just have a few and we can't make ourselves stop until we are incapacitated?? Unless you are an alcoholic/addict you will just never get it. It's an unexplainable phenomenon that we either summon the courage to fight against until we win or.... it wins. It has nothing to do with someone being stronger or better than another. It has to do with hope. You just simply HOPE that the universe will smile on you and let you off the hook. Don't get me wrong, the hard work that needs to be done has very much to do with it's success but in the end that last little flourish on your soul can only be granted by "the gift". Serenity is sacred.
I will miss my brother greatly and I will be eternally grateful for "the gift".
I love you, brother.
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